Dear John,

I don’t want you to think any of this was your fault. It really wasn’t.

All my life, I’d been a skinny, scrawny kid, just like you. I think that’s why we ended up together—we were just two nerds in love.

But then, that summer… we both noticed, but neither of us knew how to talk about it. I’d thought my breasts were done growing, but over what felt like just a few weeks, I suddenly went from a C-cup to a full DD, then more! My mom bought me new bras; at first, she even made a few jokes about how I’d caught up with her.

Then, as my bust line outgrew hers, the jokes stopped.

It wasn’t just my tits, of course: my hips widened and my waist narrowed, until my body had turned from a boyish stick-figure into… well, I don’t need to tell you.

I know you noticed. You’d always been affectionate, but suddenly our make-out sessions were so much more frequent, and your hands would roam all over my body, and even when we were just hanging out, you couldn’t stop staring…

I was flattered, of course. You were my boyfriend! Every girl wants to please their boyfriend.

At least, that’s how I felt at the time.

Again, this wasn’t your fault. I totally get why you suggested it. Todd had terrorized you since the third grade, since he’d shot up a foot above the rest of the class. And of course he’d bullied me that whole time too. To him, we were just the scrawny kids, worthy of nothing but his mockery and scorn.

He never did anything physical to me, of course. It was just name-calling: “nerd” or “skinny loser” or “the dweeb’s girlfriend”. But I know how much he hurt you. I mean, I was the one to pick you up every time he pushed you into the dirt. I was the one who came and found you in whatever locker he’d stuffed you into. I was the one who held you tight as you sobbed, feeling worthless.

So yeah, I understand why you did what you did. And I want to be really clear: I don’t blame you. This wasn’t your fault.

My new body meant that he’d begun to notice me. I was no longer “the dweeb’s girlfriend”—when he ran into us in the mall, I felt his eyes lingering on me. It was a new experience, having a big, muscular guy like Todd undress me with his eyes.

And I know you noticed it too. That’s why you suggested what you did.

You’re a smart guy, John. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that. It was a good plan. To get Todd’s attention, to get me into his inner circle. To convince him to let his guard down, for just long enough to find his secrets. To get something we could use to destroy him.

It was a good plan.

The gym at the mall was the obvious place to start. Todd basically seemed to live there: that was how he kept his body so massive, so sculpted. He spent all his free time pumping iron, working out, getting bigger and stronger.

And so I let you convince me. I joined the gym, I wore clothes that would show off my new curves, and I found a way to work out next to him. It was a good plan, and so I let myself be convinced.

You had no idea where it would lead. Neither of us did.

He approached me almost immediately. It helped, of course, that I genuinely had no idea what I was doing. I wasn’t just playing the part of a girl sitting on a machine, trying to work out how to use it: just like you, John, I’d spent the last decade with my nose buried in a book. I had absolutely no idea how anything at the gym worked.

When I looked up, Todd was there, looming over me, all sweat and muscle.

“Hey there,” he rumbled, his deep voice reverberating through my chest. My heart was beating so fast: you know me, John. I’m an honest person. I always have been. I didn’t know how to be a double agent, or a spy, or a mole, or whatever I was doing.

And I had absolutely no idea how to flirt.

“Hey yourself,” I said. He smiled, and then his smile became a smirk. I knew I’d messed it up: the girl I was, the girl I’d been for a decade… we weren’t the ‘hey yourself’ type.

“What’s a nerd like you doing in a place like this?” he asked, but there was no cruelty in his voice. It was playful, like he was acknowledging our past, acknowledging what he’d done to me… owning it, I guess, but also dismissing it at the same time.

He was letting me know that he didn’t see me like that any more. It’s hard to explain how he managed to convey all that in a single question, but he did.

“Um…” I tried to come up with something witty to say, but I was lost. All I could do was look up at him, into his dark, brown eyes. I felt so small, so powerless: like a mouse, hypnotized by a cobra.

In that moment, he could have destroyed me. Again, it’s impossible to explain it: he just had so much control. Like, yes, physically: his biceps were so big, it felt like he could have crushed me between them without effort. But I mean… socially.

You and I, John, have never been great at the ‘social’ side of things. Even in summer, even at the mall…we were still ’the nerds’. We were outcasts. We didn’t know how to talk to people, except each other.

I think that’s what brought us so close. That was our bond: we didn’t need anyone else, because we had each other.

Todd knew social power. Todd had it in spades. And even though the room was full of strangers, I knew that if that smirk appeared on his face and he decided to make a cutting remark, he could destroy me. He could make me cry, with a single word.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he took pity on me. “Here,” he said, stepping behind me. His hands went around me, gripping the handles of the machine. He leaned in, and we were so close that I could barely breathe. “This is a seated hip adduction,” he explained, his voice soft and intimate.

His breath was hot on my neck.

“This machine works your inner thighs. You want to squeeze these handles as hard as you can, then push your legs together”

“Okay,” I whispered.

I did what he said. I gripped the handles as tightly as I could, and then squeezed, just like he’d told me. I felt the muscles of my inner thighs work, and he nodded approvingly.

“Good,” he said. “You’ve got a lot of potential. You just need to know how to take advantage of it.”

I nodded, still too overwhelmed by the heat of his body, the smell of his sweat, the feeling of his muscles wrapped around me. I’m not going to lie: I’d never been so close to someone so attractive before in my life.

And yeah, Todd was a prick—there’s no denying that—but he was attractive. Even you have to admit that, John. I think that was why we hated him so much: in books, the villains are always so ugly. They’re all scarred and haggard and evil.

But not Todd. He was huge, his body covered in bulging muscles. And his face: I know you’re not attracted to men, but trust me. There’s not a straight woman on Earth who wouldn’t lose herself in those eyes. That jaw. His thick hair and white teeth…

We’d hated him for years. We’d seen the monster he was inside. But like Gaston, he was a perfect specimen of masculinity on the outside.

And when that outside was wrapped around me, it was impossible to ignore.

“Let me know if you need any more help,” he said, and walked away without throwing me another glance.

I watched him go. I couldn’t help myself. What’s the phrase? Hate to see him leave, love to watch him walk away.

Well, with Todd, I was happy to watch him leave and loved to watch him walk away…

You probably remember, I told you that night that he’d given me some help on the machines. You nodded, so happy that your plan was working. That my new body was getting me access to our enemy.

But you didn’t notice how distracted I was. It wasn’t your fault: I left out a lot of details. I didn’t tell you about how it took me five minutes to recover from our conversation, and that I spent twenty minutes in the gym shower, just processing what had just happened. Just staring at the tiled wall, remembering what it had felt like to be in such close proximity to such a… such a man.

I didn’t tell you that I masturbated for the first time that night. Yeah, I know: eighteen is a bit old.

It was my first time, John. And all I could think about was the way Todd’s strong hands had guided my body. The only thing I could think about, while my fingers teased my pussy and my nipples, was his eyes, his jaw, his smile, his voice…

You were the first boy to kiss me, the first boy to touch me over the clothes. But on the night that I finally had my sexual awakening, it wasn’t you on my mind.

It was Todd.

I felt so guilty, John. You probably remember, I told you that I didn’t think I could do it. I wasn’t lying to you: I really was terrified. I’m not a liar, John, I’m an honest person. That’s why I’m writing you this letter: you deserve to know the truth.

But you insisted. You said it was okay. You said it would be worth it, that we could beat Todd once and for all. I don’t even know why you cared, not really. We were all out of high school, and you and I were going to Stanford. In just three short months, you and I were moving all the way across the country, to California.

There would be hundreds of miles between Todd and us. We were going on to bigger and better things. It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter.

But you told me it did. I wanted to stop, I wanted to run from the most erotic experience of my life… but you said it was important, and I believed you.

So much can change in three months, John.

I kept going to the gym. I kept positioning myself where Todd could see me struggle with the machines. And, exactly like you said he would, our bully kept coming over to give me help.

No, not our bully. Now he was your bully. Because he certainly wasn’t bullying me any more.

We talked, while he was helping me. It was awkward at first… well, I was awkward. I still didn’t know how to flirt, and I couldn’t quite get a read on him. He’d always been so cruel, so dismissive… but now that I had boobs, and a nice ass, and hips that were wider than my shoulders, he was so friendly.

So charming.

I told myself not to be charmed. I tried to remind myself of who he really was. I tried to think of the cuts and bruises he’d given you, of the tears he’d made you shed.

But… at the same time, I was supposed to be playing a part. I was supposed to be pretending to be charmed, right?

Well, I wasn’t pretending. When Todd cracked a joke, I laughed. When he complimented me, I blushed. When he smiled, my heart fluttered. Whenever he spoke, I leaned close, eager to hear what else he had to say.

I felt so guilty, John, but… he was so hot.

No, it wasn’t just the fact that he was gorgeous. It was the way he moved: he was so confident in everything he did. We’ve never been confident, John.

Todd was. He’d never stammered, not once in his life. When he talked, people listened: and not just because they were afraid of him. There was just something about him that drew people’s attention.

It was intoxicating.

He drew my attention, and I didn’t know what to do.

So I did what you said. That’s how it happened, John. It was your idea. You remember: Todd invited me to a pool party, and you said I should go.

You said I had to go.

You said this was our chance, that everyone would be drunk, that no one would notice if I sneaked off. You said this was our best chance to get dirt on him.

I wish I could say that was why I went. That’s what I told you—I’m surprised you believed me. But of course, you trusted me. I’d never lied to you, not about anything. We’d been boyfriend and girlfriend for five years, and I never would have thought to be anything but completely honest with you.

But when I told you I was only going because of the plan… well, that was a lie.

I was flattered. Someone like Todd, talking to someone like me. Being interested in someone like me.

Inviting me to a party. A party at his house!

Don’t get me wrong, I still intended on finding whatever I could about him. But truthfully, I was excited to go. I was excited for Todd to see me in a swimsuit, to see how much I’d grown. I was excited to tease him, even.

You see, I was still touching myself every night. Sometimes more than once. And every time I went to the gym, I’d spend so long in the shower, thinking about his arms and his legs and his abs and his smile…

I knew how wrong it was. But I told myself that it was just a fantasy, that it wasn’t cheating to have sexual thoughts about someone else. I’m sure you’ve masturbated thinking about the cheerleaders at school, or the movie stars in those magazines you keep under your bed.

So it was fine. That’s what I told myself, at least.

Do you remember helping me get dressed? You didn’t understand why I was nervous. You told me I’d look fine. You said I looked ‘hot’ in my dress—I’d never worn anything that showed much cleavage in my life!

I remember the look on your face when I showed you. Your eyes almost bugged out, John.

But all I could think about was how Todd would react. I remember thinking god, if I could get a reaction like that from Todd…

I couldn’t have explained it, but it would have been everything. Everything, John.

You kissed me and dropped me off at the party. Do you remember how huge that house was? Yeah, Todd’s family is loaded.

I was terrified. I remember standing there, clutching a bottle of soda, wondering what the hell I was doing. My legs were shaking so hard as I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell…

And then Todd was there, smiling at me, and I couldn’t believe how handsome he was. He was wearing nothing but a pair of swim shorts: I’m sure I must have seen him topless in swim class or whatever, but I feel like if I had, I’d remember.

A body like Todd’s isn’t one that you forget.

He was wearing nothing but a pair of swim shorts, and had a grin on his face, and a fire burning in his eyes.

“You’re here,” he said, and his voice was so deep. He stepped forward and hugged me. I froze, terrified, and he laughed and led me into the house.

The party was smaller than I expected, but I was still so nervous. I was a shy girl, a nerdy girl: this was so far out of my comfort zone. Everyone I saw was clearly one of the popular people: the guys were all as handsome as Todd, and the girls…

The girls were all as hot as me.

That was what made me relax. I realized I was hunching, trying to hide myself: a habit one builds after ten years of bullying. But as Todd led me from room to room, introducing me to his friends, I realized that they were all staring at me, and not because they were judging me.

They were staring at me because I was attractive.

I was as hot as they were.

I was one of them.

Someone offered me a drink, but I declined. I knew I had to have my wits about me. Partially so I could sneak away and do what I’d come there to do…. but also because of how much I loved you, John. I loved you, and I had no intention of doing anything that would disappoint you.

So instead, I had a soda, and did my best to blend in. Todd never left my side, and I tried to draw on his confidence, his charm…

And you know what? It worked. Soon I was laughing and talking with the girls and guys just like I’d been doing it all my life. These were the people that you and I always hated: the pretty people. The bullies.

But that day, I was one of them. They weren’t looking at me like I was a piece of dirt: they were welcoming, inviting me into their life. Into their circle.

Just like you had planned.

I wanted to sneak off, but I was the center of attention—especially when I stripped down to my bikini. You’d never seen me showing this much skin, John: no one had. And I hadn’t told you that I was going to wear a bikini, that I was going to reveal everything I had to offer. That’s why I was so nervous.

It wasn’t just the dress. It was what I was wearing underneath it.

I could see all the guys checking me out: like Todd, they weren’t even hiding it. It was a new experience, feeling like I was the prettiest girl there.

No, not the prettiest. The hottest girl there.

It wasn’t until about an hour later that I realized it wasn’t just the guys. The girls were checking me out as well. Not in a jealous way.

Like… like they were interested. I blushed at the thought: as you know, I’ve always thought of myself as a zero on the Kinsey scale, but I couldn’t deny that the attention was flattering.

Maybe even a little exciting.

But all of that paled compared to the attention Todd was paying me. It was like he couldn’t take his eyes off me: his gaze followed me wherever I went, his smile never left his face. One of the first people he introduced me to was his girlfriend, Carol, but she didn’t seem to mind the way he was looking at me.

She was looking at me too.

Carol was… well, there’s no other word for it: she was stunning. Not that I’d expect Todd to be dating anyone less, of course. With his body, with his confidence, he could have anyone he wanted.

That’s why it was so intoxicating that he wanted me.

Carol was wearing a bikini top and shorts, and when she hugged me, our skin pressed against each other, and her softness made me shiver. Her tits weren’t as big as mine, of course (no one’s were) but she was still quite busty, with a smile almost as dazzling as her boyfriend’s. She and Todd were the perfect couple, both tall, blonde, and athletic.

With her there, I didn’t know why he was looking at me so hungrily.

But I liked it.

I’m not going to lie to you, John: I liked it a lot.

It was hours before I got a chance to sneak away. Some of Todd’s friends began to head home, and when he and Carol were walking some of them out, I made a beeline for his bedroom.

It didn’t take long to find it. It was huge, of course: a big four-poster bed, a massive tv, and a desk scattered with trophies.

I was surprised, honestly: the room was a mess. He seemed so perfect, on the outside, but I reminded myself: this room was an indication of who he really was. He wasn’t a clean person. He was a slob. A bully.

I took a step towards his computer, and that’s when I heard his footsteps on the stairs.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

I spun around, searching for somewhere to hide, but there was nowhere to go. You know how I get under pressure, John: I froze. And so when Todd entered his room, wearing his ever-present smirk, he found me standing there with a panicked look on my face.

“Well,” he said. “What do we have here?”

I tried to talk, but I couldn’t. He closed the door behind him and took a step closer, and all of a sudden, that huge room felt so small.

“I…” My mouth was dry, but even if I could have said something, I don’t know what excuse I could possibly have given. His scent filled the room, and his attention—and the attention of all his friends—had gotten me so worked up over the last few hours…

I’m sorry, John.

“Come here,” he said with a growl, and all of a sudden, we were kissing.

I can’t explain what happened, how it happened: the next thing I knew, his arms were around me, and his tongue was in my mouth, and my hands were running through his hair, and we were tumbling back onto the bed.

His bed.

I know he was your bully. I know he made the last ten years of your life a living hell. But he wanted me, and I wanted him, and I’d fantasized about this the night before, and the night before that, and every night since the first day I’d gone to the gym.

It felt like something was burning inside me, and his lips felt so right on mine, and his hands moved down…

I’d thought I knew what making out felt like. God knows you and I have done plenty of it over the years, John. But with Todd, it was completely different. It was something new, and powerful, and overwhelming.

It was like I’d never been kissed. It was like I’d never been touched, not really.

I melted against him, and then his lips were on my neck and his hands were cupping my ass and my thighs wrapped around him, and I could feel his huge cock pressing against me.

I’ve felt your dick while we make out, John. At least, I assumed it was your dick: it might have been the crease of your jeans. With Todd, there was no confusion. His dick was unmistakable: a huge, steely rod between his legs.

And as I reached down and touched him, as I stroked him through his pants, one thought was running through my head:

I’d done this to him. He was hard for me. For my tits, and my ass, and my body…

For me.

His hand was cupping my breast, and his other hand moved to my throat. Jesus, John—you’d never tried anything like that when we were fooling around, and to be honest… if you had, I probably would have shut it down immediately.

But the feeling of Todd’s muscular hand wrapping around my throat, the power he had, the absolute submission it made me feel…

I almost came on the spot.

I didn’t mean to do it, John. I really didn’t. But I’d been fantasizing about him for so long, and the heat between my legs was unbearable, and it felt like it was just the two of us in the world, that no one else existed. Not Carol, not you, not anyone.

Just Todd and I.

I was still only wearing my bikini, and so when his hand moved down to cup me, his fingers teased the edge of my pussy…

I know you never thought I’d do something like this to you. I know you’d have expected me to resist, to be faithful.

And before that day, I probably would’ve expected the same thing of myself.

But being there, being in Todd’s arm, feeling his hand against my heat, feeling his muscles pressed against my soft skin…

You need to understand, John, there was no way I was going to resist. It was impossible.

And even if I’d been able to, I wouldn’t have wanted to.

All of a sudden, I was moaning, and his fingers were stroking my pussy, and he was whispering in my ear: “You look so fucking hot. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks.”

“Me too,” I told him—you know I’ve always been an honest person, and I had. Ever since that first day in the gym, I’d been fantasizing about him.

But what was happening was even better than my fantasies. I’d been basing my masturbatory reveries on what you and I had done, and this just didn’t compare. It was like trying to imagine what chocolate tasted like, when all you’d ever eaten was chalk. It was like trying to imagine color when you’d spent your life in darkness.

Our make-out sessions, our ‘heavy petting’—they couldn’t even compare to what Todd did to me. A single peck on the lips from him was better than a thousand hours of kissing you, John. It’s not even in the same ballpark.

It’s not even on the same planet.

“We shouldn’t,” I whispered, but even I couldn’t believe my weak protestation.

“This is what you were made for,” he said, and his voice was liquid silk that went straight into my brain, and all I could do was nod. This was what I was made for. This is why I’d grown so much, why I’d gotten such a sexy body.

This was my purpose.

To please Todd.

I know that wasn’t true, and even then, I knew it wasn’t true. But… see, this is what I mean. I don’t mean to be cruel, John, but it’s important to understand: your attempts to talk dirty were just raspily whispering ‘fuck’ into my ear when my hand passed over the crease of your jeans.

Todd’s words turned me into a puddle. He made me feel like a luxury sex toy, like a perfect goddess of lust at his mercy.

I don’t even know why I’m trying to explain it to you. You probably think that feeling like a sex toy is a bad thing, or that being at his mercy is something to avoid.

You don’t get it, John, and I doubt you ever will. But I’ll try to make it clear. It’s important that you know what happened.

My hands were on his chest, and his hands were roaming my skin, and we were grinding against each other, and the feeling of his massive dick, pressing into me…

It felt so good. I didn’t protest when he undid my bikini, and let my huge breasts fall free. I didn’t fight it when he moved down and took a nipple in his mouth, when his tongue flicked out, teasing me.

I just moaned with pleasure. He knew how to play my body, John. He knew how to touch me. He was an expert.

Perhaps you can take some solace knowing that I wasn’t thinking about you, John. I didn’t mean to cheat. It wasn’t deliberate. My mind had turned off, and all I could think about was how much I needed Todd’s touch, and his mouth, and his hands.

He knew exactly where to go, and exactly how to tease me.

You and I had been dating for five years, but you never took the time to explore my body. And I don’t blame you, John—it wasn’t like I’d invited you to.

But Todd didn’t need an invitation. When he saw something he liked, he took it.

He’d seen me. He’d liked me. And so, he took me.

His teeth grazed my nipple, and it hurt, but it felt so good, and his fingers were moving faster, and the heat between my legs was almost unbearable, and it felt so good, and his lips were on mine, and his tongue was in my mouth, and his dick was against my thigh, and his hands were everywhere, and it felt so good.

Soon, he was lifting me up, his hands on my hips, his fingers in my bikini bottom. He ripped the material off me (I won’t tell you how much I spent on that bikini, John, but whatever number you’re thinking of, triple it) and continued teasing my bare pussy (I’d shaved it, for the party) and before I knew what was happening, I was losing my virginity.

I lost my virginity to our bully, John. To your bully. You’d sent me there to destroy him, and instead, he destroyed me. He destroyed us.

In the best possible way.

He certainly wasn’t a virgin: he knew exactly what he was doing. All I knew to do was lie there; all I could do was flail as he slowly slid his huge cock into me. The pleasure was more intense than I could have ever imagined: every part of me felt like it was on fire, like it was melting, like it was his.

His, and only his.

And the whole time we fucked, the whole time he was thrusting into me, he was pinning my wrists above my head and staring into my eyes. His face was flushed, his smile gone, his eyes burning with passion.

If anyone had seen it, it might have looked like a rape. But it wasn’t.

I couldn’t stop him, John. I couldn’t say no.

Because I didn’t want to. I wanted it, John. More than anything. In just a few weeks, Todd took things further with me than you’d ever managed in five years.

And that’s not your fault. We were just too innocent, too timid. You were scared to hurt me, and I was terrified of getting hurt.

Todd wasn’t worried about hurting me. He knew exactly how to bring my body to the highest pleasure, to make me moan and groan and scream his name. He knew exactly how to make my body writhe beneath him.

He knew how to make me drip.

And in two weeks, he worked out how to make me gush. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Todd didn’t have to worry about hurting me, because he knew how to turn me on. He knew how to make me lose control, to throw himself at me. You were right to hold back: I loved you, John, you’ll always be my first love… but if I’d lost my virginity with you, it would have been awkward, and probably painful. You wouldn’t know what to do.

Todd knew exactly what to do.

You don’t have what it takes, to bring me to that kind of pleasure. You never will. It’s hard to describe the intensity of what I was feeling, John. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so good, so complete, so safe.

Todd’s confidence. His certainty. His expertise: I found out later that he’d slept with dozens of women, possibly hundreds. He was the same age as us, but he’d already had more experience than most people reach by the end of their lives.

He knew exactly what he was doing, and I was happy to be his newest conquest.

So yeah: I know it must be painful to hear, but Todd fucked me. He took my virginity and made me cum so hard that my entire body shook. And when he was done, he came inside me.

I never told you this, but I’d been on the pill since I had my first period, to help with my cramps. I didn’t even think of it as birth control: I figured that when you and I had sex, we’d use a condom. But it was lucky that I was, because Todd never asked if I wanted to use a condom.

After he came, we just lay there for a moment, his warm seed dripping out of me, feeling so completely marked, claimed…

God, I wish you could have seen the look on my face, John. I don’t think I’d ever felt so satisfied in my entire life. My every muscle ached: I’d thought that the workouts Todd guided me through were the most physically challenging thing I’d ever done, but this was a whole different kind of work out.

But it was worth it. So incredibly worth it.

As I lay there, panting, covered in sweat, his cum dripping out of my pussy, the post-orgasm haze finally began to lift, and I suddenly realized what I’d done.